Humans have many more similarities than differences. Doctors learn to operate successfully because if you’ve seen one human body, you’ve pretty much seen them all. If you’re a cop, you become familiar with the sights and sounds of certain crimes, such as manufacturing meth. Your custody evaluator, too has seen and heard the same things over and over again. Even if the circumstances are new and frightening to you, you should be careful that what you say to the custody evaluator doesn’t prejudice your claim to custody of your children. Here are some tips to help you avoid common pit falls.
1. Don’t talk about the reasons for your divorce. The custody evaluator isn’t there to mediate your problems with your ex. He or she is strictly limited to considering those aspects of your life and your ex’s life that directly affect your children.
2. If there is excess drinking or abuse, they should be reported. Be careful that you don’t present a little tipsiness on rare occasions as falling down drunk. The marijuana cigarette your ex smoked with his other adult friends when the kids were being otherwise supervised won’t convince the evaluator that your kids are in danger every time they’re around their other parent. If you tolerated these lapses for years, and are suddenly using them to gain some kind of advantage in your custody case, the evaluator will probably see right through your revelations and conclude that you would say anything you could to make the other parent look bad.
3. Treat the evaluator with courtesy and respect. If you are sincere about wanting your children to be placed with you, it isn’t real bright to alienate someone whose recommendations to the court could destroy your attempt. Even if you don’t like the evaluator, be courteous and pleasant. Discuss your concerns with your attorney. He or she will better be able to advise you if you will benefit from another expert opinion. In any case, it doesn’t pay to burn your bridges behind you until you know you have another way across the river.
4. Don’t assume you have a leg up because of your gender, religion or politics. Your evaluator doesn’t necessarily share your beliefs and priorities. Your attempt to use your religion or abstinence from alcohol as proof that you are a better person than your spouse are almost guaranteed to backfire. After all, you tolerated these lapses when you were together, and to the evaluator, it will seem that your anger is brought on by the divorce, not the behavior.
5. Don’t argue or do anything to cause a scene with your ex in front of the evaluator. Your ability to cope is important, and won’t seem that great if you air your dirty marriage laundry to try to secure an advantage. Always remember, the evaluator has heard it all before, and the last thing you want to do is act like a typically bitter divorcee when your kids’ futures are on the line.
